It has become the norm that when women separate from their abusive partners they are forced by the courts to co-parent with an abusive and controlling man. Since the courts generally award 50/50 custody, these men use the children to continue their abuse in a multitude of ways. One woman described this nightmare scenario this…
Many women who have been abused are afraid of anger. This makes sense. Their partner’s anger has been very damaging to them. Sometimes women are not sure what to do about their own anger. It seems to me that anger can have many faces. Sometimes anger can be about protecting ourselves or someone else. If…
“‘Being fair’ in a situation that is unfair is not fair.” My 18 year old son said this to me in a conversation recently and I think it is very true. Often women who have been abused by their partners, after separation, are plagued by concerns about “being fair” to their ex. In a situation…
I have been reading about attachment theory recently. Attachment is primary to our being. It is how we have survived as a species – sticking together. Our attachment impulse keeps drawing us together with the other. First with our mothers (when we are very young) and then with others. I read recently that we are not actually…
When I was working on my masters degree I decided to write a major paper on what I then called “wife abuse”. On a subconscious level maybe I was looking for answers to the problems in our marriage but I know I was not conscious about that. I read every book I could find on…
One of the women from our support group shared with us a beautiful attitude and idea I want to share with you. She use to live in a large comfortable home with her abusive ex but in ending her marriage, she has lost a lot of material possessions. (Sadly this is often true.) But this…
I blogged yesterday about focusing on self-care instead of self-esteem. A woman from group recently talked to me about this. Her quote (used with permission) really says it all… “I liked how the group focused on self-care and not self-esteem. I was always judged for ‘letting’ the abuse happen to me because of my ‘low…
It drives us crazy how some people suggest to women who are experiencing abused that they should work on their “self-esteem” and that somehow, this should stop the abuse. It won’t. Nothing the woman does will stop the abuse. Only the abusive person can stop the abuse. But even after separation some people think that…
This gentle guided meditation is designed to help you calm your mind and relax your body. It is perfect to do before going to sleep. Please note, if you are in an unsafe situation – physically or emotionally, you should not do this guided meditation as you need to stay alert and vigilant but if…
If you have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) we would like to help you think about what that might mean for you in the context of living with or having lived with an abusive man. We are finding the diagnosis of BPD being widely applied to women who have experienced abuse. What is…
Sometimes women wonder and worry if they are abusive, like their partner. Abusive men, the police or other “helping professionals” sometimes tell women they are abusive. The idea that it “takes two to tango” is a predominant one in our culture. Maybe you have fought back, yelled at or hit your partner but it is important to ask yourself a few questions about the context in which you behaved that way and the motives behind your behaviour
A reader recently sent us this email. It describes well the slow, painful healing process of reclaiming your life after abuse. I asked the woman for permission to post it as I thought it would be helpful for other women. She agreed. Here it is: I had some down days recently, not sure why, as…