“Being fair” in a situation that is unfair is not fair

“‘Being fair’ in a situation that is unfair is not fair.” My 18 year old son said this to me in a conversation recently and I think it is very true.

Often women who have been abused by their partners, after separation, are plagued by concerns about “being fair” to their ex. In a situation of abuse, “fair” is not the issue. Women have to make decisions based on trying to keep themselves physically and emotionally safe. They cannot focus on “fairness”.

The man might say the woman is not being “fair” because she will not longer let him walk into the house when he wants to. This is not about fairness. This is about the woman wanting to create a secure and safe place for herself and her children.

In my experience, women worry a great deal about their ex’s. One question they can ask themselves is, “is he worrying about me?” If not, maybe the woman can stop worrying about him and let him worry about himself.

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