Abuse has a pattern. It is not an isolated event. In any long-term intimate relationships, both parties will have moments of being thoughtless, or even hurtful to the other. But an abusive person has a pattern of repeatedly doing hurtful and controlling things over and over again. The intention is to create fear and confusion…
The motive behind abuse is to have power and control over the other person. Women who come to our support group are often fearful that they are abusive. This is because they have yelled at, swore at or hit their partners. When we ask women to recall the context in which they behaved this way,…
In order for someone to be abusive to someone else, they have to have power over that person. In many of our relationships, one person has more power than the other person. Most of the time, men have more power than women in intimate relationships. The most common forms of power in heterosexual relationships are…
How to identify abuse: #1 The “fear factor”. So the question has been asked: “How can we tell who is the abuser and who is the abused?” We know that 83% of the time (Stats. Canada), if abuse is being perpetrated in a relationship it is the man who is being abusive. But we also…
Aren’t men just “too ashamed” to report abuse? Some people think that abuse happens to men at the same rate as women but they are “too ashamed” to report it. Here’s the thing, women are ashamed to report it too. The women we work with are extremely reluctant to call abuse abuse. Women are silenced…
#4: Listen to your gut! If your gut (or inner voice) is saying to be careful, be careful! The man’s friends and family may say he is a “great guy”. Your friends and family may think he is a “great guy” but if there is something inside of you that is making you feel uneasy,…
#3: Does he speak negatively of his ex-partner? If a man says that his ex-partner is crazy or abusive, be cautious. Abusive men always say this about their ex-partners. To their own detriment women often believe a man when he says this about his ex. It is often only years later that the woman learns…
#2: Is he trying to rush the relationship? Not all abusive men try to rush the relationship but many do. One way a woman can try to protect herself from an abusive man is to try to slow everything down. If he says, “I love you” too soon or wants to move in together right…
1#: Will he respect your “no”? Abusive men like to be in control and so one way for women to protect themselves is to see how a man reacts to her “no”. If she does not want to go to the restaurant he suggests, she can say “no” and suggest another. If he wants to…
This video explores the Cycle of Abuse from the perspective of the woman. The Cycle of Abuse is the behaviour pattern of abusive men but this video asks the question, what’s it like to live with someone who is loving and kind one day and hateful the next? This video will help those seeking to…
If we remain neutral in the face of abuse, we are helping the abuser. Our silence is what he wants. Abuse continues because it works for abusive men, they get their way with no consequences. None of us would stand back and remain “neutral” while a grown man beat up a child but this is…
#5: An abusive man will work hard to “win” family and friends over to “his” side. I really wish everyone knew this! I have walked alongside MANY women who have lost most of their friends and sometimes most of their family because family and friends choose to believe the man and distance themselves from the…