How to identify abuse: #4 The Pattern.

Abuse has a pattern. It is not an isolated event. In any long-term intimate relationships, both parties will have moments of being thoughtless, or even hurtful to the other. But an abusive person has a pattern of repeatedly doing hurtful and controlling things over and over again. The intention is to create fear and confusion instead of true relationship. We call this abusive pattern the Cycle of Abuse and if you have not heard about this please scroll back through the blog and listen to the two videos that explain it.

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  1. In my case, the honeymoon behaviour would last for a few weeks after a major change such as moving house or having a baby (although one time, when there was no one around to observe him, it only lasted for a few days). The normal cycle would usually take a week, two at the most, until the explosion phase, when he would always tell me he was leaving me, regardless of the circumstances.

    I noticed that during the honeymoon phase my joy really bothered him, as he would immediately think of a way to put an end to it. This could be overt, such as unexpectedly lashing out over trifles, or stublte, such as asking me to send him my writings at a time where I was very enthusiastic and then postponing to read them for months until I would get insecure and stop writing altogether. He ruined nearly all our holidays and special occasions. This was a pattern I didn’t notice for years as it was so difficult to accept such an idea. The honeymoon became mechanical, he would use the same words and phrases, devoid on any substance as his behavious did not validate them. We must have gotten engaged about 30 times or more, it was basically a hooking prop for him after being abusive. The weird thing was he would propose again for lack of other ideas, when I thought we were already engaged anyway.

    During tension bulding he would pick on me for the stupidest reasons, such as the radio shows I would listen to. I basically felt like I could not manifest my preferences and personality around him, and if I did I felt insecure (like he would think I’m stupid or disapprove of what I was doing). He had derogatory terms for most things I was into, the music I liked, the information I was researching, my interest in ESP, even my religion. He would refer to each aspect as ”that pish” or ”that shite”, so when I would do the house work and listen to things I liked I felt the need to pause when he walked into the room as I knew he would disapprove. I often felt great relief and joy when he wasn’t around for a day or two, as I was free to do what I wanted; this should have been a major red flag, an indication that he was oppressive and controlling. But then I would start missing him again. Also, he would play mind games, he would wind me up for a laugh and enjoy it.

  2. Thank you for taking the time to share this. I really appreciate it. I think your experiences will sound familiar to many women and it will be helpful to them to hear what you have to say. Thanks!! Karen.

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