Abusive men have patterns to their behaviour. One of those patterns is that they tend to shift blame from themselves and on to others – particularly their partners. They hone their blame shifting skills to a very high level. For example, a man might blame his failure to live up to a responsibility (like picking…
The women I work with, who have experienced abuse, are not selfish. In fact they are most often caring and compassionate people who focus a great deal of attention on their children and others. Sometimes, if they are still with their partner, they also pay a lot of attention to him and try to make…
Abusive men blame their partners for everything. This is one of the hallmarks of abusiveness. They will blame their partners because their kids don’t want to see them. They will blame their partners for abandoning them. They will blame their partners for “destroying the family”. But really, the abusive man is just facing the consequences…
I have worked for 18 years with women who have experienced abuse. In my experience, there are a few common things men who are abusive say about their ex-partners. Perhaps most commonly, they say the woman was “crazy”. They may even go so far as to say the woman was diagnosed as mentally ill (often “bipolar”) when…
I am sure you’ve heard it before. “It takes two to tango.” It’s a lie. If a person is actually talking about dancing, it may be true, but if they are talking about relationship problems, it is not true. It takes two people to make a healthy and happy relationship. It takes two people to be mature…
When a woman has experienced abuse from an intimate partner, friends, family and helping professionals tend to be very free with their advice. Women get told they should try harder to make the relationship work. They should have better better boundaries. They should love their partners more or they should be patient and wait for…
A woman from one of our groups shared this feedback with us. We want to share it with you: I loved being in the When Love Hurts Support Group. It was so helpful for me. One moment that stands out for me is the moment that I understood that it wasn’t my fault. The abuse…
I hear the theory that if a woman was abused as a child she will think abuse is “normal” when she is an adult. This idea makes me angry and here is why. If we suggest that because a woman was abused as a child, she thinks abuse is normal, we are suggesting that she…
Have you ever noticed that women are often blamed for the abuse they experience at the hands of their partners – sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtly. Here are some statements made to or about women who have experienced abuse. Each statement carries a value judgment and implies that the woman who is abused…