What is your ex saying about you?

I have worked for 18 years with women who have experienced abuse. In my experience, there are a few common things men who are abusive say about their ex-partners.

Perhaps most commonly, they say the woman was “crazy”. They may even go so far as to say the woman was diagnosed as mentally ill (often “bipolar”) when the woman has never been given a mental health diagnosis.

Another common accusation abusive men level at their partners is that their partners “cheated” on them. Some women have been accused of having multiple affairs.

A third common accusation is that the woman was abusive – she yelled or she hit him.

All of these lies and accusations are awful! If your ex-partner is spreading one or more of these lies about you, you can know that this is a common thing that abusive men do after separation. Of course, they will not take any responsibility for the end of the relationship and so it has to be your fault and they’re willing to lie in order to make it your fault.

What do you do in the face of all these lies? There is no easy answer but most women have found that they cannot spend all their energy running around trying to set the record straight with everyone. And sadly, no matter what you say, some people will chose to believe him and not you.

Many women find it helpful to think about who is really important in your life and to focus on them. Hopefully these important people know you well enough to know the lies are lies. Many women say they figure out who their real friends are as they suffer through a separation from an abusive men. They see who sticks with them and who believes the lies.