Abusive Men – Blame Shifting Ninjas

Abusive men have patterns to their behaviour. One of those patterns is that they tend to shift blame from themselves and on to others – particularly their partners. They hone their blame shifting skills to a very high level. For example, a man might blame his failure to live up to a responsibility (like picking the kids up from school) on his partner’s failure to remind him. But if she does remind him, he may say that she is a “nag”. If the man has neglected or been hurtful to his kids, the kids may not want a lot to do with him but he is not likely to take responsibility for this. Instead he will blame his partner for “turning the kids against him”. A man will say he yells and swears when “she pushes his buttons”. One woman in our group was taking about all the ways her partner avoids responsibility and blames her for all his problems. In her frustration she said, “these guys are blame shifting Ninjas!” I loved the quote and asked if I could share it here and so I have.





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  1. i am reading the book ‘When love Hurts’, and am learning a lot of what abuse is an how it impacts others. it is quite Insightful and gives really good advise, however not a lot resources to go to for help. more resources would be helpful. more services of who to go to for various services for women in these type of abusive relationships to help get out of these relationships and places to go like women shelters, counseling for women who are getting abused in these various ways of abuse, etc.

  2. Good point! The problem is that resources tend to be very regional so while we have some good ideas about resources in greater Vancouver (where we live) we do not know about resources in other parts of Canada or the US. Things are always changing too as funding comes and goes. It is a problem! There are a couple generic things we can say though. Usually a local women’s shelter or women’s transition house tries to keep lists of resources in their community including support groups or counsellors who specialize in this area. (It is really important to get counselling from someone trained in it.) Similarly women’s resource centres or the YWCA can be good places to ask about resources. Thank you for your comment!

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