Holding space for painful realities
Many of the women we support are living with painful situations that are sometimes beyond imagination. You may find you want to try to alleviate women’s pain. You may notice an impulse within you to encourage the woman to do something to make her situation better. But if we apply pressure to a woman or try to convince her of an action, we are not really helping her to listen to her voice or her inner wisdom. Our ideas may be unhelpful and may even be dangerous. We can feel within ourselves a sense of helplessness. This is because the woman is feeling helpless and we are meeting her where she is. It is not a comfortable feeling but it is one that is most helpful for women.
One of the dynamics of abuse is that abusive men take away all the good choices for women so they are only left with bad choices. Women’s situations often feel overwhelming and impossible not only to them but also to us. Having the capacity to be present to the painful realities of women’s lives and offer our care, and sometimes our outrage at women’s circumstances is a valuable gift for women. What we cannot do is “fix” a situation; trying to do so will likely feel disempowering for women.
We may also unintentionally minimize a woman’s pain to try to protect ourselves from those terrible feelings of powerlessness. We do this if we communicate, in any way, that things are “not so bad”. It is not uncommon that we feel, as we sit with a given woman, that we cannot see any way out for her. Her partner has made the woman powerless. It is very difficult for someone who cares, to feel powerless.
Too often a support person jumps in with suggestions that do not fit for women. Support people do this because it feels like the woman should be able to do something to make the situation better. It is helpful to remind ourselves that, if there was a simple solution, this woman would have already found it and acted on it. Abusive men create so many roadblocks, and danger, and impossible circumstances for their partners. Offering simplistic advice or solutions truly underestimates the woman and the extent to which the abusive partner has removed all reasonable options. Remember that your care and support is already offering women so much: a woman needs to know that you understand how difficult and painful her circumstances can be.
The great benefit for us of having done this work for a long time is that we have had the privilege of seeing many, many women get out of seemingly impossible situations. This helps us stay present with a woman’s reality – knowing other women have done what has felt impossible. We also want to remind ourselves that truly listening to a woman in a painful and overwhelming situation is very helpful and healing. Women often tell us that they feel stronger and clearer for being listened to and affirmed. Here is a quote from Karen about this experience:
When I meet with a young mom with little or no income of her own, and I hear the terrible things that her partner is doing to her, I feel a certain level of hopelessness and despair because I know, having supported women for many years, how hard it is going to be for this woman to get free of the abuse. But I have also had the opportunity and privilege of seeing hundreds of women rebuild their lives and have good and hopeful futures. Remembering that helps me be with a woman who is just starting out on the journey of learning about abuse and finding a way forward.
Karen
Thank you for this, Karen and Jill. Yes, it is so hard to feel the powerlessness of her situation. I want to fix it.
I’m uncomfortable with her lot!! I hate it! But you’ve reminded me that in trying to help I can also do harm, especially by not acknowledging it adequately, or trying to help too soon.
I resolve to sit with her in her despair until she signals she’s ready for more.
Sincerely,
Meg Gerbrandt-Wiebe
Thank you Meg!