Episode 3: Understanding the power and control wheel

In this episode of the When Love Hurts podcast, we unpack the realities of power and control in abusive relationships. We dive into a deeper exploration of the Power and Control Wheel, a tool we use every day in our work with women. We speak about why this tool matters so much, how it builds on the cycle of abuse, and how it helps women name and understand the tactics used against them.

The many tactics of abuse including psychological abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse

As we walk through each section of the wheel, we share examples from the countless stories women have entrusted to us over the years. We talk about psychological abuse — especially gaslighting — and how disorienting and crazy-making it can be when someone rewrites your reality. We discuss the many forms physical abuse can take beyond hitting, including blocking exits, reckless driving, and threatening behavior that leaves no visible marks. We explore verbal abuse, from cruel insults to conversational control, and how words become weapons instead of a means of connection.

More tactics: Financial abuse, spiritual abuse and cultural abuse

We also spend time on financial abuse, one of the most misunderstood but powerful forms of control, and we highlight how deeply it traps women — both during the relationship and after leaving. We speak about social abuse and the devastating impact of isolation, including tactics that involve friends, family, and community. From there, we move into spiritual abuse, cultural abuse, the use of children as a weapon, and sexual abuse — all areas where lines often blur, tactics overlap, and women are left feeling confused, ashamed, and alone.

Expanding the original wheel to include litigation abuse and technology abuse

We introduce additional forms of abuse that aren’t on the original wheel, including litigation abuse and the use of social media, and we remind listeners that these tools are meant to grow and adapt. Throughout the conversation, we name the questions women often ask: “Is it me?”, “Have I done something wrong?”, “Does he even know what he’s doing?” We clarify that while anyone can have bad behaviour, abuse is about intention, impact, and a clear pattern — one rooted in power and control.

The power and control wheel brings clarity to women

By the end of the episode, we talk about what shifts for women once they complete the Power and Control Wheel themselves. For many, it’s a moment of deep clarity. It validates their experiences, challenges dominant myths about abuse, and helps them see the bigger picture rather than isolated incidents. We remind listeners again and again: you are not alone. Your experiences are real, they make sense, and there is a community waiting to walk with you. We encourage women to download the Power and Control Wheel from our website, explore it at their own pace, and keep joining us as we continue to dismantle harmful narratives and build up women’s truths.

Resources and support

If this information has brought you to feeling like you need further support, here are a few available resources: 

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading. 
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources. 
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.
• Power and Control Wheel (PDF)