Episode 6: The harms of help

The topic of this episode is the concept of “harms of help” – the negative experiences women have with the very people and services meant to support them. 

This concept came from our research, where over 250 women were asked about what barriers they faced when seeking support. Many women described to us how the support they sought through services and professionals paradoxically added to initial harms of the abuse, rather than helped. Women observed that the treatment by service providers can mirror the control dynamics of their abusive partner. For example, women described harmful experiences with:

• Courts that favor fathers regardless of his violence
• Police who label situations as “mutual conflict.”
• Shelters with rules that exclude vulnerable women.
• Child welfare systems that dismiss disclosures and blame mothers.
• Healthcare providers who offer judgment instead of support
• Helpers that favour or take the side of the abusive man and blame women.
• Counselors who fail to recognize abuse or focus on “relationship skills” instead of safety.

When these responses ignore the abuse, it embolden the abusive partner, compounds the harms of the abuse, and increases women’s isolation. 

Stories of service harm and indifference

A common theme in the research, as well as in our groups and private practices, women report that their experiences of abuse and suffering are met with indifference, which is so painful after risking a disclosure. The indifference and cruelty women face, where their suffering is unrecognized, can be shocking. 

Dominant discourses and systemic issues

The dominant cultural narratives shape problematic beliefs that shape harmful services. These beliefs often hold women to a much higher standard than men.

• Gender bias – tending to favor men or doubt women.
• Blaming women for the abuse or for staying.
• Sympathizing with the abuser – e.g. giving him as the inferior parent many opportunities to parent at the children’s expense.
• Assuming women should leave, without considering danger or barriers. 
• Having unrealistic expectations of women and judging them when they don’t meet them. 

These harms are not small – they can change the trajectory of a woman’s life.

The danger of misinformed counseling

Jill and Karen conducted a study with 60 women who have been part of When Love Hurts support services. What we learned was alarming:

• Most women saw 4-6 counselors before anyone named the abuse.
• 95% said their safety concerns were not taken seriously.
• 86% said unhelpful counseling kept them in the relationship longer.
• Nearly half stayed an additional six years or more because of misguided therapy.

Counseling often placed responsibility on women to “fix” things that were not theirs to fix, leaving women feeling responsible for their partner’s abuse. The truth is, the abuser is 100% responsible for the abuse, but counselors often hold the belief that the problem is 50/50.

The problem with the way counselors are trained

Clinical programs that train therapists often lack:

• A gender analysis
• Understanding of abuse dynamics
• Tools like the cycle of abuse or power and control wheel
• Clarity that men are 100% responsible for their abuse.

This leads therapists to unintentionally reinforce harmful dominant discourses.

What is truly helpful support?

Women shared clear themes about what actually helps:

• Women are the experts on their own lives and safety.
• Believe women without hesitation.
• Feeling safe and cared for
• Being seen as strong and resourceful.
• Having someone who can be a reality check.
• Having their intuition trusted and reinforced.
• Support people who keep the focus where it belongs – on the abuse, not on the woman.

We want women to learn to trust themselves. They know their reality better than anyone else. If a service feels wrong, unsafe, judgmental, or disbelieving, you are entitled to walk away, recognizing that the professional may be working from the dominant discourse.

For helpers and professionals

A reminder to anyone supporting women:

• Recognize the power you hold.
• Avoid replicating dynamics of control.
• Listen more than you speak.
• Believe women.
• Keep women in control of their own process.
• Understand that systems can create vulnerability.

Closing notes

• For more information, visit whenlovehurts.ca.
• Listeners are invited to join the #WLHCommunity and help spread the message.
• The hosts also thank MCC Canada for supporting Season 1 and welcome sponsors for future seasons.

Resources

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources. 
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.

Please like, share, and subscribe to help more people access this vital content.

Season one of When Love Hurts is generously supported by MCC Canada. We are currently looking for sponsors for season two. If you would like to support this work, please contact us. And if our podcast is helpful, we would be grateful if you would like, share, and subscribe so that more women and professionals can find this content. Thank you!

Hosted by Jo Neill and Alison Epp. Produced by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis. Publishing support by Pink Sheep Media. Edited, and supported, by Lemon Productions.

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