A framework of healing from coercive control and abuse

This article, originally published in June 2024, was updated in October 2025 to reflect new insights from the author.

Compiled in collaboration with women from When Love Hurts.

In its essence, I believe healing is what happens when we return to ourselves. To be healed is to live freely as my true self in the world. And of course, this looks vastly different for each woman.

Abused women have had to disconnect from themselves for prolonged periods to survive.

This is reflected by a quote from the book Women Talking, which tells the story of a group of conservative Mennonite Women in South America who were subjected to assault by men in their own community.

“When we have liberated ourselves we will have to and out who we are.”

Women Talking

Lauren Free (survivor, coach, author) says: “The magic has come from learning how to hear myself again.”

But hearing oneself is just the beginning. True healing is not just hearing ourselves, but, finally, being ourselves.

It takes courage, support, time, self-compassion and insight into abuse, community, conditions of safety and security, and a context that allows women the space to reconnect with themselves to heal.

Below are some notes from women on what healing looks like to them.

Insight into abuse

• I have an awareness of what happened to me, of the patterns of abuse and coercive control I was subjected to, and the impact on me. I no longer blame myself for the abuse. I know with certainty my partner is 100% responsible for his abuse of me. I understand he groomed me into this.
• I recognize that the person who abused me does not reflect anything true about me in what he says about me. I know that he reflects a very distorted picture of myself that is not true. I do not overly self-reflect on anything he says about me. I will trust the safe people in my life to help know who I really am.
• His opinion of me is wholly inaccurate, and based on his belief system of being central, superior and deserving. I know I worked very hard on my relationship and abuse is what destroyed it.

Insight into my reactions to abuse

• I no longer feel confused. I have clarity about what it is I am experiencing and that I have had (and still have) normal reactions to abuse, terror, oppression and control. I have language to describe my experiences and responses to abuse, such as nervous system dysregulation, fear, terror, self protection or defense etc.
• I recognize that it is normal for me to have significant reactions in my body and emotions to ongoing post-separation abuse, even as I heal from past abuse. Overwhelming responses to ongoing abuse does not mean I am not healed, it means I (or my children) am still being abused.
• When I am subjected to ongoing abuse I have insight into what is happening, how he is using the cycle of abuse. I am able to respond rather than react most of the time. When I react I am gentle with myself.

Self compassion

• I have a kind inner dialogue.
• I am gentle with myself. I know how to support myself, including when to reach out to my support network.
• My sensitive nervous system is a blessing, not a curse. I honour and value my sensitivity.
• I let go of feelings of shame around the abuse. I no longer think that I “chose poorly” for my children or myself. I shift the guilt and shame to the person who used abuse.
• I have awareness of my patterns, nervous system responses to fear and terror, and normal dysregulation that comes from ongoing abuse and stress. I meet myself in each moment. I allow myself to step back. I am gentle and compassionate to myself.

I befriend my emotions and tend to them

• I no longer feel flat and have to disassociate from emotions to survive. I am able to experience the full range of emotions. I feel both the joyful and hopeful feelings more fully, but also the sad, painful, angry and hopeless feelings too.
• I recognize that both grief and hope will be present in the rebuilding and healing process. Since grief is part of my healing and my future, I take time and seek support to attend to it. I notice my life growing around my grief over time.
• I learn to see anger as my friend. I listen to it and don’t try to quash it. Anger is directly linked to my intuition. It is a message from my body saying “no.” Anger points me to what harm is being done to me and my children. It is a normal response to prolonged injustice and suffering, and an indication of my and my children’s need for safety, and of my fierce protective instincts.

Community

• I co-create safe, reciprocal relationships where I am accepted as I am. I am not too much, I am enough.
• When I feel down, discouraged, or am facing post-separation abuse I reach out to trusted support. Where once I had no place to turn, where once I was told no one would love me or support me like he did, I have a community now. My community loves and supports me for who I am, not for who they want me to be or what they can get out of me.
• I know how to do relationships, including friendship or new partnerships. I am not broken because I was abused.

Reconnecting with myself

• I am getting to know myself or rediscover myself. I nurture myself. I value my inner life and connect with myself.
• I am free to think for myself. I trust my intuition, it is one of my most powerful resources.
• I become reconnected with my core values and live in alignment with them. I am able to show up authentically more consistently, if not always.
• I have space to cultivate my interests. I reconnect with the activities, hobbies, and people that bring me joy. I take steps towards the things that I feel called to bring into the world.
• My creative, quirky, wild, whimsical, sparkly side comes out again. My friends (and therapist!) begin to notice.
• I know and cherish my worth. Where I was once diminished and made to feel small, I allow myself to be fully who I am. I know that I am not only enough, but I am a worthy, interesting, full person deserving of good things.
• I accept that my struggles may be long-lasting, perhaps due to forces outside my control. I choose to live my life as fully as I can anyway.

Conditions of security and safety

In order to safely work on her healing, a woman needs safety and security. She needs to feel stable. She needs a safe home, safe and supportive people in her life, secure and sufficient income to meet her and her children’s needs, and protection – for her and her children – from the abuser.

Unfortunately, many women receive the opposite. They are subjected to ongoing post-separation abuse, particularly if there are children present. In most cases women are forced to coparent with an abusive man who makes great efforts to maliciously fracture her children’s attachment with her. Many face years of financially and emotionally devastating litigation. Many women experience physical symptoms of stress when abuse is prolonged.

However, over time, women do heal.

The role that counsellors and therapists can play in healing for women who have been subjected to abuse is significant. Her counsellor may be the first – or only – person to help a woman gain insight into the abuse and its impact on her. They may be a voice encouraging self-compassion, or help her learn to befriend and tend to her emotions.

They will be a witness not only to her pain, suffering and the injustice she endures, but to her strength, her resistance, her survival skills, her advocacy efforts for her children, AND her capacity to rebuild her life, heal herself, and create a safe and loving home for her children.

The opposite of trauma isn’t “healed”, it’s aliveness.
The opposite of trauma isn’t “healed”, it’s connection.
The opposite of trauma isn’t “healed”, it’s curiosity.
The opposite of trauma isn’t “healed”, it’s presence.
The opposite of trauma isn’t “healed”, isn’t to find perfection, to become a contained or even calm version of ourselves.

But rather, it’s what happens when we begin to experience what couldn’t exist when all our body could do was survive.

Lexi Florentina, somatic experiencing practitioner