How can the person who said he loved me be abusive?

ByKaren McAndless-Davis October 17, 2013

We would like to share some thoughts from one of the women from our Support Group. She is separated from her partner but he is working hard to try to honeymoon her back. She speaks honestly about separation, grief and rebuilding. We are appreciative of her sharing:

Its almost impossible for me to get my head around the idea that the person who I loved and trusted for so long, could be so abusive.

I keep trying to find reasons / excuses for his bad behavior. I know its wishful thinking that he would change – and of course he wants me to think that. Somehow there is this strong drive to get things back on track again. So what is the motivation to be with someone who is so mean to me?

The honeymoon stage is also abusive and I know that – but it’s so much nicer than the other stages – at the same time it forces you to lower your defenses so that he can get a foothold in. I’m very aware of what my partner is doing – it’s just hard to not want to imagine that maybe he might change.

A friend of mine was doing research into attachment theory and she said that when you become attached to someone there is actually a chemical in your brain that keeps you in a state of being connected to them. This chemical is what makes you feel “in love” when you first fall in love and so uncomfortable when you separate. She even gave the the amount of time it takes to get free of this chemical. I just keep telling myself that there is no logical reason for why I feel so attached to him. He adds almost nothing positive to my life. It’s really all about him. I don’t think he would ever be able to help me reach my goals and if he did, he would rob me of any feeling of satisfaction that I might have.

He doesn’t see how his behavior had an impact on us as a family – other than he knows he “blew up his life”. He is also not ready to admit that he used his outbursts to control me.

Right now he is being very nice to me, even in our last heated argument he did not become abusive but kept himself in check. Now I know that he could turn on a dime, he can be nice today and horrible tomorrow. At any given moment he could call me and accuse me of stealing or yell whatever nasty thing pops into his head. I see him as a big id – just running around doing what he likes when he likes.

When he sees that he is wrong he walks away from what he said and excuses his behavior as “I was upset” or “you pushed all my buttons” or lately he has been saying “when trust is gone in a relationship, that’s what happens”. Somehow it is always my fault. So right now I’m watching all this unfold and doing my best to not ride a roller coaster ride with him. I have my own plans set and I’m moving that forward.

This is an exciting time and a scary time as I take these steps forward. I do not know what the future will bring – but I do know that I’m making decisions that will support me in the long run and if they don’t work, I can make another decision. I am not going to let his cycle stop me for doing what’s in the best interest of me. This is likely the first time in my life that I’m making decisions in my own best interest. That’s actually huge.

A woman talks about being “co-dependent” in an abusive relationship

ByKaren McAndless-Davis October 1, 2013October 17, 2013

Lots of women who come to our support groups have been told they are “co-dependent”. If a woman lives with an abusive man, she will do many things to try to stay safe – emotionally and physically. She will accommodate his demands in many ways in order to try to limit the damage done to herself or…

Is My Problem Low Self-Esteem?

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Some women who are abused by their partners wonder if the problem is low self-esteem. A woman may wonder if this is why she has “put up with abuse” for so long; because she did not think she deserved better. No one, independently, develops a solid sense of self. Humans are, by nature, social beings….

How to identify abuse: #4 The Pattern.

ByKaren McAndless-Davis August 27, 2012May 25, 2013

Abuse has a pattern. It is not an isolated event. In any long-term intimate relationships, both parties will have moments of being thoughtless, or even hurtful to the other. But an abusive person has a pattern of repeatedly doing hurtful and controlling things over and over again. The intention is to create fear and confusion…

How to identify abuse: #2 Power imbalance and the abuse of power.

ByKaren McAndless-Davis August 25, 2012May 25, 2013

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Four things to look out for to try to avoid an abusive man:

ByKaren McAndless-Davis August 12, 2012May 25, 2013

#2: Is he trying to rush the relationship? Not all abusive men try to rush the relationship but many do. One way a woman can try to protect herself from an abusive man is to try to slow everything down. If he says, “I love you” too soon or wants to move in together right…

Good Counselling and Bad Counselling

ByKaren McAndless-Davis October 1, 2012May 31, 2013

Many women who have experienced abuse have sought help through a variety of counselors. Sometimes counseling is helpful and sometimes it is not. At its worst, counseling or advice giving can be dangerous if it disconnects you with your voice, your wisdom and your experience. For example, one woman was told by her counselor to…

4 Comments

Crystal says:

January 4, 2014 at 6:49 pm

Thanks for sharing. I know what you mean about the honeymoon period and having your hopes back. It is crazy and confusing. But again, it’s a cycle. I got tired of being my Ed’s toxic waste dump. We are separated. He emails me. Somedays up to 7 emails. Some are very nice and some are nasty. It’s a bait. It’s like a vortex that you never wanna get sucked into, never again…
Karen says:

January 5, 2014 at 1:19 pm

Thanks for sharing this. Your description of how emails are part of the cycle is very helpful. We hear this a lot from women. With texting and email and voicemail, ex’s can cause havoc in so many ways.
Maria says:

June 20, 2014 at 12:57 pm

Hi, thank you so much for all the information; I just wanted to add my own experience in terms of emails through which my ex used to get my attention and energy. We’ve been living apart for a long time, on and off; some days he would get drunk and write critical or abusive emails out of the blue, even if we hadn’t talked in days and our last conversation had been amiable. It was always so weird, as if his interaction with me was only going on in his head; he was trying to involve me in this drama that I hadn’t created and wanted nothing to do with. Other times he would write loving emails in the same fashion, out of the blue; I used to put it down to alcohol.
Karen says:

July 23, 2014 at 2:35 pm

This is such a helpful comment. Thank you for posting it. An abusive man does continue with the Cycle of Abuse (Honeymoon, Tension, Explosion) whether you are there are not. When women notice this, it helps them to get clear that HE has the problem and the woman is not, in any way, causing the abuse. The abuse continues whether you are there or not!

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