Women often struggle with their feelings of love for their partner. Perhaps others have suggested that you are “crazy” for still loving him. We do not think you are crazy. We think you are having normal feelings that make a lot of sense, given your situation.
When you first met your partner, he demonstrated a lot of positive behaviour and it was this depiction of himself that you fell in love with. You have now seen him do very hurtful and self-centred things but you still remember the person you first thought he was. On top of this, those more positive looking behaviours keep coming back around. This has to do with the Cycle of Abuse – Honeymoon, Tension, Explosion. He first presented you with Honeymoon behaviour and he returns, at times, to that more positive looking behaviour. If all you ever saw from him was Explosions, it would probably be easier to stop loving him but the Honeymoon behaviour sparks hope in you – that is the intention of Honeymoon behaviour.
Also, women have taught us, love is not an emotion that can easily be turned off. If you have been in relationship for a long time with your partner and have loved him for many years, you will not likely loose those emotions over night. Love is not like a light switch that can just be flicked off. It seems to die out slowly for most women. Abuse destroys it slowly, kind of like cancer slowing destroying good cells.
Some women have found it helpful to journal what their partner has done to them. Sometimes seeing the negative things in black and white can help you remember just how devastating his abuse can be. Some women have reported that when they feel they are being “honeymooned” they look back over their journal and that helps them to see things more clearly. For many women, journals have helped them to see that the “bad” greatly outweighs the “good”. (If you keep a journal, be sure to keep it well hidden from your partner. If there is no safe place to hide it, journaling is probably not a good idea for now.)
The fact that you are a loving person is not a shortcoming in you. You are probably a compassionate person capable of commitment. This is a good thing. But maybe your partner is not worthy of your kind and open heart and maybe you want to begin to shift your love, care and concern away from him and towards people who do deserve it. One person who for sure deserves your love, care and concern is you! (This post can also be found on the Articles Page.)
This book has helped me to understand that It’s not me its him. I am a caring and loving person that does not deserve to be mistreated in this way. Love is an emotion that cannot be shut off quickly but I have learnt that if I apply that love to myself, I will live a successful life without him. I do not deserve to be abused nor does any woman. No one should have to fight to be themself in a relationship. Thank you for this inspiring book. I am just at the beginning of healing and moving on. I believe today that love should not hurt but should grow and support us.
I am totally confused we have a one month old baby. We were suppose to get married in three month. He cheats all the time and is extremely selfish. I am lonely and tired of being an independant woman. I am forever broke he is using my hard earned money to impress the girls. E.g. The electricity is not paid my daughter’s transport to go to school is not paid. Ever since this man moved In I have been broke. I am suicidal, always angry, sad. I need to be the best I can be to raise my kids the best way I can. How do achieve this if I am always sad and scared.
I am SO sorry to hear this. You need and deserve support. A Women’s Shelter (in USA) or a Women’s Transition House (in Canada) is a good source of support and information. You do not need to go to a women’s shelter in order to get support and info from them. They can just be a listening ear or maybe tell you how you can get support in your community. Do you know how to find this kind of support in your community?
Thank you for your very thoughtful words. I think these words will be helpful for other women too. Karen.