Jill and I share that in the first edition of the book, we didn’t yet have the chapter on healing. It wasn’t until we had supported women over longer periods – and listened deeply to what they told us – that we were able to understand this phase more fully. As we always do, we gathered women together and asked them to teach us about their healing. What they shared became the core elements of our current understanding.

The Figure Eight Model of Healing

The women helped us develop what we now call the Figure Eight Model of Healing: an image of a figure eight where the lower loop represents grieving and the upper loop represents rebuilding. Healing moves back and forth between these two experiences. Grieving isn’t separate from healing – it is part of it. Women often feel energized and a sense of rebuilding at some points, and at other times find themselves pulled back into grief. The relative size of the loops shifts over time; sometimes rebuilding is expansive and full of new opportunities, and at other times grief takes up most of the emotional space. Rebuilding can be made up of tiny, meaningful steps – like stepping outside into the garden or offering oneself a moment of kindness. The figure eight is open at both the top and bottom, reminding us that healing is not an endless cycle and that there are ways out and forward.

Grieving

When women are more in the grieving part of the journey, the sense of loss can be overwhelming. Many describe feeling as though the floor has fallen out from under them—disoriented, alone, and unsure where to anchor themselves. They often grieve the hopes and dreams the relationship once held, including the vision they had for their children’s lives, their families, or the future they believed they were building. There can be disappointment, sadness, anger, and a sense of failure imposed by societal judgment. Women grieve the loss of time, opportunities, financial stability, and connections with people who may have sided with him or distanced themselves. They grieve the betrayal from family, faith communities, workplaces, and systems that should have supported them. Some describe simply enduring life rather than enjoying it, feeling low or depressed, or regretting choices made along the way. We emphasize that expressing grief is not “focusing on the negative” – it is necessary to tell the truth of one’s losses.

We also talk about how society struggles with grief in general, but this particular grief is especially misunderstood. It is disenfranchised grief – grief that isn’t socially acknowledged. Women are often told, “Well, you chose to leave,” or “If he was so bad, what is there to grieve?” Yet many women hoped for a lifelong partnership; they didn’t want the relationship to end – they wanted the abuse to end. And because the abuse often continues through separation, especially through legal systems, the grief remains active and unrelenting. Women may not have space to grieve until months or years later, leading them to wonder if something is wrong with them when, in fact, they are finally safe enough to feel their grief.

Rebuilding and rediscovery

On the rebuilding side of the figure eight, women often begin rediscovering themselves. This can be as simple as returning to old hobbies or exploring new interests, reclaiming the freedom to choose what they eat, what they wear, or how they spend their time. Many reconnect with family and friends or build new relationships where they are seen, believed, and accepted. They get to narrate their own story again. Some return to school, join creative communities, or explore passions they didn’t have space for during the abuse. Rebuilding is often like a flower slowly opening – an emergence into fuller authenticity, beauty, and self-trust.

We highlight Shalom’s wonderful article on our website, which outlines what healing can look like even when the abuse doesn’t fully stop. She describes signs of healing such as nurturing oneself, having a kinder inner dialogue, reconnecting with core values, creating reciprocal relationships, and allowing more joy and gentleness into daily life. For many women, rebuilding also means mothering without interference during the time they have their children.

Anger plays a role in both loops of the figure eight. During grieving, anger may feel heavy and tied to sorrow; during rebuilding, anger can become fuel for action – seeking legal advice, or advocating for oneself and one’s children. We normalize anger as a valid, human response to injustice and emphasize finding safe ways to express it physically and emotionally so it doesn’t build up inside.

Finally, we discuss how nonlinear, unpredictable, and messy grief can be. It comes in waves, with occasional “rogue waves” – moments or events that stir up intense feelings unexpectedly. Holidays, anniversaries, or encounters with systems or people who failed her can trigger deep emotion. We reassure women that nothing is wrong with them; this is simply what human grief looks like, especially when the source of harm is still present and active.

Throughout the episode, our hope is to offer clarity, compassion, and a sense of possibility. Healing is real, even though it is complex. And no woman is meant to walk this path alone.

Resources

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources. 
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.

Season one of When Love Hurts is generously supported by MCC Canada. We are currently looking for sponsors for season two. If you would like to support this work, please contact us. And if our podcast is helpful, we would be grateful if you would like, share, and subscribe so that more women and professionals can find this content. Thank you!

Hosted by Jo Neill and Alison Epp. Produced by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis. Publishing support by Pink Sheep Media. Edited, and supported, by Lemon Productions.

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