Welcome to Episode 4: The impacts of abuse for women

We want to thank you for joining us for this heavy, but essential, conversation. Be gentle with yourself as you listen; grab your coffee or tea and give yourself the space and time you need.

Why we need to shift the focus from his actions to her experience

Historically, everyone – from services to courts to friends – has focused on what he did. “Did he kick? Did he choke? Was it bad enough to count as abuse?” Can she prove it? But this focus on his behaviour completely fails to describe the devastating impact their behaviour has on their partner’s while ignoring or minimizing the woman’s experiences.. In this episode, we center the impact of his abuse on her. Focusing on impacts shifts focus from ‘What is wrong with her’: to “What has happened to her?” 

Focusing on what abusive men do ignores women’s experiences

In this episode,we explore the deep and wide-ranging ways men’s abuse impacts women – regardless of what specific tactics of abuse he uses.

Physical, emotional & psychological impacts of abuse

Men’s abuse has so many impacts. Broadly, it systematically strips away a woman’s autonomy, affecting everything – how you live, how you parent, who you have friendships with, who you can see, how you express yourself, etc..

Abusive men create a constant, terrifying and unpredictable reality – like walking through a landmine, where any step could trigger an explosion. A woman can’t focus on herself because she is entirely focused on minimizing harm to her and her children. Looking at impacts helps women identify how the fear has affected them.

Abuse also impacts your physical and mental health. Women experience migraines, body pain, insomnia, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, weight changes, frequent infections, reproductive coercion and so much more.

Substance use & mental health: Making the connection

It is heartbreaking to realize that a woman’s perfectly normal human reaction to terror and control is often misunderstood and misdiagnosed as a problem with her that needs fixing. Her fear, for example, gets diagnosed as anxiety – a mental health disorder she is medicated for. In reality, her need to constantly pay attention to her partner’s every movement and mood is just the “right amount of vigilance” for her safety.

The research is clear: Substance use and/or mental health concerns are impacts of abuse

For most women, abuse comes first – and mental health or substance use concerns are impacts or coping strategies because of the abuse, not the other way around.

When systems make It worse

Services often: exclude women who use substances, mislabel abuse as mental illness, focus on symptoms, not the impact, reject women from services or send women to mental health or substance use services rather than focusing on her experiences of abuse.

Abuse often leads to financial vulnerability, loss of community, and the feeling of becoming a “shell” of who they once were. These are all impacts of abuse.

Financial Impact: Women may be thrust into poverty, unstable or no housing, and lose community and social connections if they leave their abuser.

 The Legal System Impact: Sadly, the justice system often compounds the abuse of power by blaming women, or emboldening abusers to continue his control through court frivolous court processes, threatening to gain full custody of the children and draining her resources.

 Social Isolation: Well-meaning friends or community members who don’t understand the dynamics of abuse can minimize her experience, making her feel even more isolated.

Why focusing on impact changes everything

If you’re reading this and recognize the way that your partner’s abuse has impacted you, please know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are having a normal, and difficult response to an abusive situation.

Recovery: Will it always feel this bad?

Short answer: No. The good news is that when women get support, or get a break from the abuse, the impacts can start to lift. You might find that you recover your sense of humor, ability to trust, discover new interests, and have clarity.  

Resources and next steps

If you would like further support, here are a few available resources: 

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading. 
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources. 

Please like, share, and subscribe to help more people access this vital content.

Season one of When Love Hurts is generously supported by MCC Canada. We are currently looking for sponsors for season two. If you would like to support this work, please contact us. And if our podcast is helpful, we would be grateful if you would like, share, and subscribe so that more women and professionals can find this content. Thank you!

Hosted by Jo Neill and Alison Epp. Produced by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis. Publishing support by Pink Sheep Media. Edited, and supported, by Lemon Productions.

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