Episode 7: Mothering, post separation abuse, and the legal system

In this episode, we talk about how men’s abuse profoundly impacts mothering and how that abuse so often continues after separation through the legal system. 

Impossible double binds of parenting with an abuser

We begin by reflecting on our own experiences of being mothered and mothering, grounding us in the reality that parenting is never meant to be done alone. From there, we explore how abusive men undermine women’s ability to parent authentically, forcing mothers into impossible double binds – being told they are too strict or too soft, never able to simply respond to their children’s needs without fear of retaliation or escalation.

We discuss how men’s abuse drains the emotional and practical energy of the household, leaving women carrying the vast majority of parenting and domestic labor while also trying to protect their children from harm. We challenge the deeply ingrained belief that a man can be abusive to a woman and still be a “good father,” and we name how children are inevitably impacted when they witness control, intimidation, and disrespect toward their mother. 

We also speak to the ways children may imitate abusive behaviors, not because they are abusive themselves, but because they have been burdened with harmful attitudes and tactics learned from their father.

Post-separation abuse and repair-parenting

As we move into discussing post-separation abuse, we examine how co-parenting often functions as a form of forced ongoing contact with an abuser. We describe what many women are actually doing as repair parenting – helping their children recover emotionally after time spent with an abusive father, while preparing them to return again. We name how systems frequently misinterpret this protective work as “counter-parenting” or hostility, rather than recognizing it as care, repair, and survival.

Parental alienation

We spend significant time unpacking how the legal system frequently fails women and children, particularly through the use of parental alienation claims. We explain how parental alienation lacks scientific validity, is disproportionately used against mothers, and operates as a powerful distraction tactic that discredits women’s abuse claims while positioning abusive men as victims. We talk about how children’s voices are ignored, how women are silenced under threat of being labeled uncooperative, and how neutrality from professionals ultimately protects abusers.

How abusive men use the legal system to continue their control

Throughout the episode, we highlight how abusive men use courts, professionals, and systems as tools of continued control – through litigation abuse, financial devastation, and the recruitment of so-called neutral helpers who often align with the dominant discourse rather than with safety or research. We name the heartbreak of sending children to someone you are afraid of and the grief women carry when they are legally prevented from protecting their children.

We close by acknowledging how heavy this conversation is, while also affirming that women are not failing – they are navigating impossible conditions. We emphasize the importance of connection, community, and supportive allies, and we remind listeners that there are people and resources who understand, who believe women, and who are working toward change. You are not alone, and what you are doing matters.

If this information has brought you to feeling like you need further support, here are a few available resources: 

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources. 
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.

Resources referenced

• Cory, J & McAndless Davis, K. When Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships
• Power and Control Wheel (PDF) (Post-Separation Abuse framework referenced in earlier episodes)
• Barry Goldstein, JD. Parental alienation as a distraction tactic
• Ministry of Children and Family Development (BC). Child Protection Guidelines / Policy in Cases of Violence Against Women (PDF)
• Leonetti C. The Pseudo Science of Parental Alienation Syndrome
• World Health Organization (WHO). Disavowal of parental alienation as a valid diagnosis
• United Nations (UN). Report of the Special Rapporteur on violence against women and girls, its causes and consequences (PDF)
• Lapierre S. Abused women as ‘alienating’ mothers and violent men as ‘good’ fathers: Double standards in child protection and child custody proceedings

Season one of When Love Hurts is generously supported by MCC Canada. We are currently looking for sponsors for season two. If you would like to support this work, please contact us. And if our podcast is helpful, we would be grateful if you would like, share, and subscribe so that more women and professionals can find this content. Thank you!

Hosted by Jo Neill and Alison Epp. Produced by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis. Publishing support by Pink Sheep Media. Edited, and supported, by Lemon Productions.

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