Episode 5: Why abusive men are abusive

In this episode, we take on the question women ask again and again: Why is he abusive? Women are desperate for an answer. They want to understand his need for power and control—where it comes from, what drives it, and whether he’s even aware of it. For many women, this becomes a pivotal point in making sense of their situation.

Unfounded theories

There are many explanations commonly offered for why abusive men are abusive:

• He has an anger problem.
• He’s under a lot of stress.
• He’s mentally ill.
• It’s because of his childhood.
• He’s an addict.
• It’s just his “conflict style.”

None of these are accurate. These excuses show up everywhere in the dominant discourse and leave both women and professionals confused about what the real issue actually is.

I share part of my own story about Bruce’s change process and what that looked like. That experience leads us into a discussion of the true cause of abuse: the man’s underlying belief system.

Abuse belief system: Central, Superior, Deserving

Research from the University of British Columbia’s School of Social Work, based on interviews with men before and after treatment, identified three core beliefs held by abusive men. These beliefs create the foundation that allows abuse to happen:

Central – He believes he should be the centre of the household and that everything should revolve around him.
Superior – He believes he is better than his partner in all areas that matter.
Deserving – He believes he is entitled to whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.

These beliefs are deeply held – often unconscious – and rooted in privilege and entitlement. Abusive men may know how to “talk the talk” of healthy relationship, so they won’t usually state these beliefs outright. But their actions reveal them.

Relationship belief system: Connected, Equal, Mutual

People who are not abusive operate from a completely different belief system—one that seeks connection, equality, and mutuality:

Connected – Making decisions together and sharing life in meaningful ways.
Equal – Valuing each other as full equals.
Mutual – Caring for one another, with give-and-take on both sides.

If both partners are living out Connected, Equal, Mutual, real relationship is possible.

But when one person insists on being Central, Superior, and Deserving, the other is pushed into being Peripheral, Inferior, and Serving – a role no one wants and no healthy relationship can sustain.

What this understanding offers

Our discussion of these belief systems aims to lift the confusion so many women carry. It affirms that she knows how to do relationship, and that the real problem lies in his belief system – not in her actions, reactions, or attempts to keep the peace.

It also points to the kind of accountability work that is actually meaningful and appropriate when working with abusive men.

If this information has brought you to feeling like you need further support, here are a few available resources.

Resources

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources. 
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.

Please like, share, and subscribe to help more people access this vital content.

Season one of When Love Hurts is generously supported by MCC Canada. We are currently looking for sponsors for season two. If you would like to support this work, please contact us. And if our podcast is helpful, we would be grateful if you would like, share, and subscribe so that more women and professionals can find this content. Thank you!

Hosted by Jo Neill and Alison Epp. Produced by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis. Publishing support by Pink Sheep Media. Edited, and supported, by Lemon Productions.

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