Episode 2: Understanding the cycle of abuse

In this episode, we take a deeper look at the cycle of abuse, what it is, how it functions, and how it impacts women both during a relationship and after separation. We begin by sharing our own first encounters with the cycle and then break down each phase, exploring why it’s so confusing, why it’s so effective at trapping women, and why outsiders so often miss what’s really happening.

Our first encounters with the cycle

We each came to understand the cycle of abuse in different ways. Jill first learned about it academically through the work of Lenore Walker in the late 1970s. While Walker’s description of the pattern reflected what many women were experiencing, the early explanations often placed responsibility on women by framing them as “helpless”, something that never sat right with us and that we now challenge through a more survivor-centred lens.

Both myself and Jo first encountered the cycle when we met Karen as our therapist. Despite years of counseling, neither of us had been given this foundational framework to understand our experiences. Learning the cycle helped us to finally name what was happening, recognize abuse, and see longstanding patterns that had been hidden within confusion and self-blame.

What Is the cycle of abuse?

The cycle describes the patterned behaviors of abusive partners. It includes three phases.

1. Honeymoon – manipulative kindness

This is the positive, charming behavior that draws a woman in. It can look like generosity, affection, helpfulness, or deep emotional connection. What makes it abusive isn’t the behavior itself, it is that he doesn’t stay there. The kindness is conditional, strategic, and used to create attachment. This is a kindness you cannot say no to. 

2. Tension – walking on eggshells

This phase is often mislabeled as a normal relational dynamic. In reality, it is fear. Women feel the tension intensely in their bodies. It can be experienced as sleeplessness, anxiety, stomach issues, or hypervigilance. The rules keep shifting during this phase. She never knows which version of him she’s going to get. Everyday decisions become dangerous and unpredictable. 

3. Explosion – the most devastating behaviors

This phase may involve yelling, threats, name-calling, property destruction, or the silent treatment. What matters here is not what the behaviour is but the impact: the woman experiences fear and powerlessness. 

And after the explosion? He returns to honeymoon; apologizing, offering gifts, being kind, promising change or going back to a state of ‘somewhat’ calm. 

Each phase in the cycle is a part of the abuse. The honeymoon isn’t love; it’s grooming. And the unpredictability is what makes the cycle so confusing and so effective.

Why others only see the “good guy”

Most people only ever witness the honeymoon version of him, friends, family, teachers, counselors, pastors, judges, even the children. This is why so many struggle to believe a woman when she discloses abuse. The public sees a charming, generous man. She sees the truth behind closed doors.

We talk about this through the image of carpenter ants: the structure of a house may look fine from the outside, but unseen, the foundation is being eaten away. A woman’s confidence, identity, and safety erode quietly and systematically until one day everything collapses.

Why “red flags” aren’t visible

We address a common question: “How could I have seen the signs?”

The truth is — you couldn’t have. Not from the outside. And not in the early stages of the relationship. Honeymoon behaviors often far outweigh anything concerning in the early stages of a relationship. He is choosing her. He is grooming her. And she is responding the best she can with the information she has.

The cycle after separation

The pattern doesn’t end when a woman leaves. It simply shifts into new forms. The abuse is through finances, legal systems, parenting transitions, ‘co-parenting’ decisions and digital communication. Women often recognize honeymoon, tension, and explosion even in something as small as a single text exchange. With technology, abusive partners have more avenues than ever to continue cycling through these behaviors.

Why understanding the cycle is both empowering and painful

Learning that the cycle is deliberate and intentional can bring clarity and also deep grief. Women begin to question:

• Did he ever love me?
• Was any of it real?
• Why did he choose to treat me this way?

Recognizing the intentionality, especially when he suddenly offers things he withheld for years, can be incredibly painful. But it can also be validating; helping women see that the abuse was not their fault and not caused by anything lacking in them.

What we want you to know

• The cycle is his pattern, not hers.
• She cannot predict it or prevent it.
• Honeymoon is as much a tool of control as explosion.
• Outsiders almost always see only the “kind” version of him.
• Post-separation abuse is real, common, and patterned.
• Understanding the cycle doesn’t just create insight, it restores dignity.

Get support

If this information has brought you to feeling like you need further support, here are a few resources available: 

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading. 
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources. 
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.