Can Women Stop the Abuse?
Friends, family and professionals often assume that women have some ability to stop abuse. Some people will suggest that a woman should just “stand up” to her partner and put out a clear “boundary”. (This is very likely to end in an assault of some kind.) Or women are told to be more accommodating and compassionate to their partners “needs” and “feelings”. There are a whole myriad of ideas in our culture that leave women partly responsible for the abuse and continually trying to do something to stop the abuse. We are clear that abusive men are completely responsible for the abuse and abusive men need to make changes to stop it. No matter how many ways a woman will try to adapt to her partners’ demands, follow her partner’s changing rules or give in to being mistreated in order to avoid an explosion, the abuse will continue. Her partner will use many different forms of abuse to intimidate, enforce trivial demands or exercise control over her. Women need support for what is happening to them. They need to know it is not their fault. They need to be appreciated for their ability to survive under painful and confusing circumstances. We are not saying that women are perfect – none of us are. We are just saying that no one deserves to be mistreated by an abusive partner. Women deserve understanding and support. Remember, the abusive partner is responsible for his behaviour and only he can stop the abuse. Even when the woman leaves the relationship, the abuse will continue. Women can work hard to try to protect themselves but they cannot stop the abuse only the man can do that.
Cheering at this statement!! I was married for 17 years…to my bevy of not helpful “counselors”. I tried everything…don’t you think I would have tried everything or do you think this behavior just started right before you got involved?