Ever wondered what a full apology might look like in the face of real harm or abuse? A friend of mine is a counsellor who works with men who have been abusive. She shares with them the 3 steps to a full apology. A man who has been abusive, who wants to start to heal…
Many women report that their ex-partners will continue to verbally and emotionally abuse them, after separation, using texts. Sometimes a woman will come in to an appointment with me and hand me her cell phone. We will scroll through the texts together and the pattern of abuse is clear. Sometimes the abuser may do what…
I recently heard Dr. Ronald Siegal of Harvard medical school speak about suicide and anxiety. He said that studies have shown that most people who attempt suicide later describe that it was not depression but rather anxiety that drove them to depression. That’s interesting because I think most of us think of depression as being…
Sometimes ‘helping professionals’ do harm to women. This is not their intention but it does happen. How is this possible? Well, let’s think about the dynamics of abuse. Men who are abusive are motivated by a desire to have power and control over their partner. They have a need to feel superior. Men who are…
As helping professional we all have good intentions when it comes to supporting women who have experienced abuse. But if we don’t have specific training in this area, we can unintentionally end up harming a woman. Let me share one example of what I mean by this. One counsellor advised a woman that she needed…
Sometime people tell me that a woman is “in denial” about the abuse she is suffering. Such a comment makes me crazy. I realize that some women do not always dwell on the full gravity of their situation because it is just too overwhelming. They deal with as much as they can at any given…
Abusive men blame their partners for everything. This is one of the hallmarks of abusiveness. They will blame their partners because their kids don’t want to see them. They will blame their partners for abandoning them. They will blame their partners for “destroying the family”. But really, the abusive man is just facing the consequences…
I am sure you’ve heard it before. “It takes two to tango.” It’s a lie. If a person is actually talking about dancing, it may be true, but if they are talking about relationship problems, it is not true. It takes two people to make a healthy and happy relationship. It takes two people to be mature…
When a woman has experienced abuse from an intimate partner, friends, family and helping professionals tend to be very free with their advice. Women get told they should try harder to make the relationship work. They should have better better boundaries. They should love their partners more or they should be patient and wait for…
I avoid greeting people with, “how are you?” I work as a counsellor and so most of the people I am meeting cannot answer that question quickly or positively. How are they doing? It would take a full hour to say how they are doing and lots of what they have to say is painful…
A woman from one of our groups shared this feedback with us. We want to share it with you: I loved being in the When Love Hurts Support Group. It was so helpful for me. One moment that stands out for me is the moment that I understood that it wasn’t my fault. The abuse…
I have been leading support groups for women impacted by abuse for 17 years. About 10 years ago I led a group designed particularly for Christian women. On about week 7 of the group, one of the women shared that she had been suicidal for years because she had vowed to stay with her husband;…