Cutting off contact with an abusive ex – Facebook

ByKaren McAndless-Davis November 2, 2015

In 2015 it is very hard to cut off contact with an abusive ex. Facebook can be one of many links that keep you in touch with him. Even if you “unfriend” him, you may find his face popping up on other friends’ feed. Or you might hear about things he is doing through other peoples’ posts. Hearing about him is likely to have a negative impact on you. If you hear he is doing really well, this will upset you because you are likely feeling devastated. If you hear that he is sad, lonely, depressed, you may find yourself feeling sorry for him which might lead you to be back in touch with him.

Another problem is he may be able to snoop into your life through Facebook. Again, even if you “unfriend” him, he can probably access information about you through mutual friends. Using Facebook in this way seems to be a form of cyberstalking that a lot of abusive men do after separation. Because of this dynamic, many women decide to step back from Facebook at least for a while. Some women just erase their Facebook accounts (which of course means you may lose touch with some people) other women change their setting so that only their closest friends and family can see their posts. Some women decide to just take a break from Facebook or find other ways to stay in touch with family and friends. Whatever you decide to do for yourself, think about what is most likely to bring you some peace of mind. Abusive men tend to to use whatever is available to them to continue to control or manipulate their partners or ex-partners. If Facebook is one way he is still getting at you or hurting you, you might want to think about changing how you engage Facebook. It isn’t really fair that you might need to make this change but limiting the ways he can get at you may give you greater peace.

Don’t “should” on a woman

ByKaren McAndless-Davis October 21, 2014February 16, 2018

When a woman has experienced abuse from an intimate partner, friends, family and helping professionals tend to be very free with their advice. Women get told they should try harder to make the relationship work. They should have better better boundaries. They should love their partners more or they should be patient and wait for…

Am I Abusive Too?

ByKaren McAndless-Davis June 12, 2013June 13, 2013

Sometimes women wonder and worry if they are abusive, like their partner. Abusive men, the police or other “helping professionals” sometimes tell women they are abusive. The idea that it “takes two to tango” is a predominant one in our culture. Maybe you have fought back, yelled at or hit your partner but it is important to ask yourself a few questions about the context in which you behaved that way and the motives behind your behaviour

The advantages of “singletasking”

ByKaren McAndless-Davis May 21, 2015

We have heard lots about multitasking and I think many of us pride ourselves on our ability to do two things at once. But recent research on the brain suggests that none of us can actually multitask. When we think we are doing that, we are simply quickly moving back and forth between two tasks….

Rapists: Not who you think they are

ByKaren McAndless-Davis April 29, 2013May 1, 2013

The majority of men who commit rape describe their behaviour as “definitely not rape” (84%). Most rapists seem “normal” and appear to be “good guys”. They are not sociopaths or psychopaths. They are ordinary men who hold ideas about male entitlement and women’s inferiority. In other words, they are men who hold the abuse mentality…

Support Groups

ByKaren McAndless-Davis June 27, 2008June 2, 2013

This past week was the end of another amazing support group here in the Vancouver area. At the close of the evening, women shared what the 10 weeks had meant to them. They talked about the power of being listened to, respected and affirmed. They spoke of how wonderful it was to be in a…

Why do I still love him?

ByKaren McAndless-Davis October 18, 2012May 31, 2013

Women often struggle with their feelings of love for their partner. Perhaps others have suggested that you are “crazy” for still loving him. We do not think you are crazy. We think you are having normal feelings that make a lot of sense, given your situation. When you first met your partner, he demonstrated a…

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